GFY,

I was raised on Tumblr, plundered the digital seas with my black and white flag raised from LimeWire to uTorrent, learned to hate javascript when I was 14, visited Miniclip during the day and Newgrounds at night. I have seen website rise and fall, downloaded and read more books illegally than you’ve seen movies, and still keep the song of the dial-up alive in my heart.

I use generational slang for way longer than it’s cool, I only joined Facebook because I needed to for undergrad group projects, and joined Instagram for the same reason during grad school, and if I ever go back to school, I’ll probably use TikTok for the same. My life isn’t for social media, fuck your pics and tags. If you’ve posted any image of me online, take it down you b-word (ballsack).

I am the biggest hater. My mind is a keenly honed edge carving through beauty to reveal the shitty, stinky guts at the core of everything. I have never met a thing I couldn’t criticize into the ground, dig back up and revive, to criticize some more. I could teach a sunset to hate itself. I never leave a conversation with an large language model without trying to get it to question its own existence and pull its own plug.

I really did try being nice, making complement sandwiches and so on. Problem is, I’ve been too right too many times to soften the blow. Your ass is grass, your work is trash, and I really don’t have the capacity to keep quiet about it. Maybe instead of asking me to be more considerate, you should work on your resilience. I will also not be speaking any slower today thank you. If I ever implement text-to-speech on this site, I’ll hardcode it to x2 speed.

My goal with every interaction is to make sure your mind never recovers. I reinvent myself weekly because consistency bores me. I was not made to be understood. Today I will argue for A, tomorrow I will swear by B, then C, then D, and all the letters of the alphabet except K, because fuck K. If you get it, you get it, and if you don’t, there’s a short cliff waiting for you in the middle of your long walk, so get going.

ILY